


My Wonderland

by iamdkscully



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Complete, Episode: s08e18 Threads, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-15 21:43:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1320223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamdkscully/pseuds/iamdkscully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moon smiled down like the Cheshire Cat and like Alice, she had no idea which way to go...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What started out as a one-shot morphed into a multi-chapter story (and a Threads tag at that) that I never thought I'd ever write. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

The moon smiled down like the Cheshire Cat and like Alice, she had no idea which way to go.

It wasn't just this stupid trail she'd been exploring it was her whole stinking life right now; too many choices and no way to know which was the right.

_'That's not true, Sam,'_ she told herself. _'You know exactly which way you want to go, you're just too afraid to admit it!'_  She stopped, shook her head, and stared in front of her.

"Carter?"

She snapped out of her reverie and turned to face him. "Sir?"  
  
"Whatcha thinkin'?  Any reason for us to stick around this place?"  He gave her one of his trademark grins that told her he was bored and well ready to call this mission.  "Daniel's done with his survey of the ruins. You find anything humworthy out here?"  
  
She flinched and he vividly remembered the last time they'd discussed the topic of humming.  Pete.   Her gaze fell to her shoes.  "No, Sir," she all but whispered.  
  
"Well, it's getting dark so I say we head back to the gate and call it a night."  
  
They walked in silence, the General leading the way back up the narrow trail they'd been following.  Neither of the officers had realized the extent of the incline or just how dark it had gotten until Sam tripped over something she couldn't see and almost fell into him. Jack spun around, reaching with an instinct he'd always had for keeping her safe, grabbing her collar as she fell forward toward the ground. Her face didn't slam into the ground the way she expected but it still ended up in the dirt as her forward momentum dragged both of them down.  
  
He landed with an "Umph," on one of his bad knees. "You okay, Carter?" he asked grabbing her arm to pull her up.  
  
She meant to say that she was fine.  That was her response to everything right?  
  
 _'I'm fine.'_  
  
 _'Everything's fine.'_  
  
 _'Fine. Fine. Fine!'_ she wanted to shout.  
  
Instead she heard herself say, "Damn it," as tears burned behind her eyes.  
  
"Carter?" he asked again reaching for her face and wiping a smudge of dirt from her cheek.  
  
"Sir, I . . . " _'Damn why is this so hard?'_   She looked away and made a move to get up and grimaced as she felt her left ankle give out.  She could tell it was sprained the minute she tried to put her full weight on it and the General was immediately at her side as he noticed it too.  
  
"Ankle?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, Sir. I'm okay, it's just a little sprain," she said as she winced.  Wow, she had almost believed herself. In truth, her entire foot was starting to throb and it hurt like hell but at least it took her mind off of the pain she'd been wrestling with all day in her head.  She grimaced again as she tried to step forward and ended up leaning against a tree.  She let her head fall back against the cool bark and closed her eyes as she listened to Jack talk into his radio. "Daniel? Teal'c? You copy?"  
  
"Yeah, Jack, we're here. What's up?"  
  
"Daniel, we're gonna take a little longer than expected to get back."  
  
"Everything okay, Jack?" he asked, the concern in his voice evident.  
  
"It will be. Carter took a spill on the trail. Looks like she sprained her ankle so it's gonna be slow going, especially with it getting so dark. Hold your position and you should see us within the hour."  
  
"Okay, Jack. We'll leave a light on for ya."  
  
"Thanks, O'Neill out." He looked at her leaning against the tree, pale but beautiful in the waning light. "You sure you're up to this Carter?"  
  
"Yes, sir." Here it comes he thought, "I'm fine, really."  
  
Yep. She'd said it. Those two words that let him know that things actually sucked but she'd ignore it for now and get the job done no matter what.  
  
"Okay let's move out," he said as he put his arm around her waist and grabbed the wrist of her left arm as she put it around his neck.  Sam grimaced again as they took the first few steps and they had to stop to readjust their packs and weapons to make their embrace a little less awkward and painful for them both.  She already felt guilty about his knee, but noticed he didn't seem to be limping too badly.  
  
"I'm sorry sir," she said quietly as they continued up the trail.  
  
"For what Carter, not being able to see what's right in front of you?" he sighed, "It happens to the best of us."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if I've been changed in the night.

 

* * *

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" -Alice Lewis Carroll,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

Puzzle indeed.  As Sam lay in her infirmary bed waiting to be released, she wondered at what had transpired during their short mission the day before.   _'I don't think I can do this anymore,'_ she thought to herself as she continued to contemplate the ceiling tiles.  It'd been so late when her team got back that she'd had to stay in the infirmary over night.  The pain in her ankle was now down to a light throb and the doctor had promised she'd be released soon, but SG-8 had come in hot just after dawn from an ambush on P3Y-116 and now Sam had to bide her time until things calmed down enough for the doc to get the chance to let her go.  Unfortunately, this only gave her more time to do one thing…think.

Ugh.  She was so tired of thinking that her head was starting to hurt.

She rubbed her eyes and then threw one arm over them as she lay there thinking about what had been said the day before.  She'd been unable to respond to the General's comment as they walked back to the gate, in fact, she felt like he had punched her in the gut when he'd said it and she'd had to stop to catch her breath under the guise of readjusting her pack.

She knew that her engagement to Pete had always felt a bit off.  So had her engagement to Jonas.  There was always something that kept her from feeling like she thought you were supposed to when you were getting married.  The joy was there, at first, in both relationships.  But, she'd been so wrong about Jonas that it had taken her a long time to trust another man with her heart. It wasn't the physical abuse that had shocked her with Jonas.  She'd watched his personality darken as their relationship wore on and she'd learned how to diffuse his temper more often than not.  It was the horrible things that he'd said to her that had taken her by surprise and that she'd never forget.  It was the way he manipulated her by using her own thoughts and insecurities against her, the way he bashed her dreams and was able to make her feel like she was nothing that cut her to the bone and  _that_  was unforgivable. She still marveled at how she had been so smart and yet so very stupid all at the same time.  How did she let him control her like that? He'd proven again just how easy it was when she'd had to confront him on P3X-513. Because of that, there was a part of her that was glad he was dead. If only her insecurity would have died with him.

Things had been very different since she was with Jonas.  Oh she'd had crushes and even a tryst or two over the years, but she refused to open up to another man and let him hurt her that way again.  So she hadn't had a serious relationship in years.

But Pete was different.  She still couldn't believe that she'd actually fallen for someone who her brother had set her up with.  And, it turned out that he was the first person she'd dated in a long time that she was able to be honest with.  Despite his actions early in their relationship, he'd come clean about having a friend at the FBI do a background check on her after she'd told him she couldn't reveal more about what she did for a living.  Once she was able to get him some clearance, after seeing Osiris use her hand device, she was able to at least talk about her job to him, even if not in specifics, and that made things so much easier between them.

Pete was sweet, kind, loving, there was definitely physical chemistry, and he not only made her feel like a woman again, but put her first and made her a priority in his life.  He'd even put in for a transfer to Colorado Springs to be closer to her.  With Pete, she'd been able to get dressed up, go dancing, be sexy and flirty, and feel like a princess on more than one occasion.  She was able to go out in public and show affection and act like a couple and not feel ashamed of showing that she cared about him.  And, she didn't feel like she always had something to prove around him like she did around the men at work.  Pete understood that she was under unusual stress and strain with her job at the SGC and that is probably why he was content to wait two weeks for his girlfriend to answer his marriage proposal.

_'Who does that?'_ she thought with another groan. _'Why did I say yes? Why didn't he try to stop me?'_

A tear slipped down her cheek before she even realized it was there.

Though she wasn't a deeply spiritual person, her mom had taken them to church when she was younger and there were still times when she found comfort in reading her mother's worn bible.  Her Sunday School teachers had loved her talent for memorizing what she'd read and she now found herself remembering a scripture that seemed to cut her to the quick.  The passage spoke of how lusting after someone with your mind was just as bad as if you had physically acted upon your thoughts.

She realized now that _that_ was the problem with her in this relationship with Pete.  It's what had bothered her for all this time.  She'd been cheating on Pete.  Not physically of course, she'd never do that.  No, but emotionally she had never fully been in their relationship.  Her thoughts were never fully on Pete.  Her thoughts, and she now realized her heart, had always been with someone else.

_" I'm sorry sir…"_

_" For what Carter, not being able to see what's right in front of you?" he sighed, "It happens to the best of us."_

How had she let things go so far?  How could she treat him like this?  He deserved so much better.

As she put her head in her hands and pulled at her hair in frustration, she heard his voice.

"Hey, Carter."

"Hey, Sir."  She moved her good leg up so that she could wrap her arms around it.  She laid her head on her arms and looked up at him blushing slightly with embarrassment.  "How's the knee?"  She still felt guilty about his injury.  If she had been paying attention, she wouldn't have tripped and he wouldn't have fallen.

"Oh, it's alright.  Nothing some ice and a little T3 won't handle."  He smiled at her as he pulled a chair closer to her bed.  "What about you?  How's the ankle?"

"It's sprained, but not as bad as it could have been.  The doc has already cleared me to go but I got stuck waiting for the chaos to die down before she can spring me."  She sighed.  "I've got to use crutches for a couple of days but I should be back on full duty within a week or so."  She forced a smile to her face but he could see it didn't reach her beautiful blue eyes.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked.

"Truth, sir?" she asked hesitantly.

"Um, yeah, sure," he said rubbing his hands over his face uncertainly.

"I really don't know."  She looked down as she said it, tears threatening to fall again.

"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

She looked up into his eyes and found that she could not look away even as one of those tears slid down her cheek.  She could see the hurt reflecting back at her from those deep brown pools.   _'Geez Carter,'_ she thought to herself, _'can you make anyone else miserable today?'_

She didn't realize that he was thinking the same thing.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew that this entire situation was his fault. He was tired of pretending to be someone he wasn't, and staring into her glistening eyes, he could see the pain she was in from doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These wonderful characters do not belong to me. I forgot to mention that.

 

 

* * *

"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"  ― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass _

* * *

_' Way to go, Jack!'_

He knew that this entire situation was his fault.  He never should have let it get to this point.  Now he was tired of pretending to be someone he wasn't, and staring into her glistening eyes, he could see the pain she was in from doing the same. He reached out gently and wiped her tears away with his thumb and let his hand linger to caress her cheek.

He'd known when she'd shown him that ring that she was looking for some kind of confirmation from him that if she said no that she wasn't going to end up alone. That it was more than just a possibility that they could act on their feelings. That they could figure out how to make it work. He couldn't give her what she wanted.

He  _wouldn't_.

Not because he didn't want to. He still loved her as much as he ever had but he couldn't bring himself to be the only reason that she said no to the possibility of a normal life.

Looking at her now, though, all he could think was _'I_ _don't think I can do this anymore.'_

As she closed her eyes with a barely audible sigh, he let his hand fall from her face. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay. But as he opened his mouth to say something more, Dr. Brightman walked over to them carrying a pair of crutches.

"Ready to go, Colonel?" she asked.

"More than ready Ma'am," Sam replied.

The doctor gave her a few discharge instructions and sent Sam on her way with a prescription for pain medication to fill on the way home. It was only after she'd been left alone again that Sam realized that she had a problem. Yesterday she had ridden her bike to the base.

She looked around, hoping that the General was still somewhere around the infirmary, but she didn't see him anywhere. "It figures," she whispered to herself grabbing the crutches. Sam pulled herself up off the bed figuring she'd go find Daniel.

She was halfway to the elevator when she saw Jack.

He'd left the infirmary while Dr. Brightman was talking to Sam, torn between his need to stay by her side and make absolutely sure that she was okay and his determination not to allow his true feelings to show. So, in typical O'Neill fashion, he had skulked down the hall in avoidance of the entire situation and any conversation that might follow.

He was now standing against the wall in front of the elevator with his hands in his pockets staring at his boots.

Sam could tell from his posture that he was scowling. And he was apparently was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear her coming.

"General?"

"Colonel," he said narrowing his eyes as he looked up at her.

"Everything okay, Sir?" she asked hesitantly unsure of what she was seeing behind his eyes.

"Truth, Carter?"

"Yeah, sure, okay," she said borrowing his earlier response to her same question.

"I really don't know."

Once more they found themselves lost in each others eyes trying desperately to remember why things could not be as their souls felt. It was Jack who finally looked away but quickly offered her a smile so warm it could've melted chocolate.

She couldn't help but smile back. "General, I was wondering, well…I was gonna ask Daniel, but, since you're still here…Do you think you could, what I mean is, I…" Geez, what was wrong with her? _'_ _You're only asking for a ride home Sam not a date to the prom,_ _'_ she goaded herself gently.

"Out with it Carter," he said unable to help grinning again as she stammered.

"I rode my bike to work yesterday and now..." she motioned to her injured ankle, "I need a ride home. Do you think you could take me, General?"

He cleared his throat.

_'Oh my God, did I really just say that?!'_

"Sure Carter, I'll take you," he said as his grin slid into a smirk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was in love with crazy and unpredictable.

 

* * *

"Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."  ― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass_

* * *

Samantha Carter was holding things together pretty well. At least she thought she was considering all that had happened in the last year.

This whole mess started with those damn hallucinations she experienced while lost on board the Prometheus. Maybe it was one of the effects of the severe concussion that had caused her to say yes to Mark's suggestion that she go out with Pete in the first place. Although she couldn't blame the entire relationship on her head injury, could she? Soon after she'd started seeing him, she was off to the Alpha site with her dad to work on a weapon to counteract the armor of Anubis's super-soldiers. That trip had ended with her literally having to run for her life while one of those super-soldiers tracked her every move. And, it wasn't long after her injuries had healed that she'd had to deal with Janet's death. Losing her best friend had been hard enough but she also became the mother of a teenager in the process and she and Cassie were still trying to figure out their new relationship.

Jack went Ancient, she was kidnapped and tortured by Fifth, they were both promoted and took on new commands, add in dealing with her evil doppelgänger, the Go'auld infiltration of the Trust and the Russian government, and it's no wonder she hasn't been in her right mind.  
  
She wished she could use all of this as her excuse, but she knew it was not that easy.

And, with so much crazy going on, she didn't know how to handle anything else. Because of that, she hadn't quite figured out how to end things with Pete.  The only thing she really knew was that she needed to follow her heart. She loved Pete but was not  _in love_  with him and her recent accident on P3X-157 had given her the perspective she'd needed to realize that he was not the one who would make her happy.  The life he offered was calm, normal.

But  _that_  was not what she really wanted.  She thrived in chaos and she was _in love_ with crazy and unpredictable.

* * *

Her mind wandered back to the day General O'Neill drove her home from the infirmary...

The General had insisted on loading her motorcycle into the back of his truck and taking it home for her. She watched him enlist the help of one of the SFs at the gate to put her bike in the back and had to stifle a giggle when he barked at him to "For crying out loud be careful!" as they lay it down in the bed of the truck.

"I really appreciate this, Sir," she said as they pulled away from the base.

"No problem, Carter but I gotta ask, why didn't you call Shanahan?" The disdain he felt for the man came through clearly in the way he said  _Shanahan_.

Sam's smile faded as quickly as it had appeared.  _'Tell him Sam,'_  her stubborn inner voice insisted.  _'I can't pretend anymore,'_  Sam thought looking at the man in the driver's seat. He glanced her way and gave her a small smile that she returned before turning to look out the window again.

"Can't pretend, Carter?" he questioned.

"What?" she asked realizing she'd voiced her thought out loud.

"You said you couldn't pretend anymore."

"Oh, I…well, never mind. I didn't call Pete because he's out of town right now," she replied with a tone that suggested he not ask about him again.

Jack let it go. She obviously was uncomfortable discussing her fiancé with him and he figured as much. But sometimes he just couldn't help himself. He still didn't understand how Sam and Shanahan ended up together. He was supposed to be the one sweeping her off her feet not some cop who calls her "Babe." ' _I wonder how he gets away with that anyway,'_  he thought.

They drove in silence the rest of the way.

It was only after the bike was put away and she settled herself on the couch with a wince that Sam remembered her prescription. "Shoot," she exclaimed as she tried to get comfortable.

"Carter? You okay in there?" Jack called from the kitchen.

"Fine, Sir," she called. "Just remembering something I forgot to do."

"What is it?" he asked as he walked in carrying two mugs filled with hot tea.

"My pain meds," she smiled up at him sheepishly as she picked up her crutches.

He took them out of her hands. "Where's the scrip?" he asked as he handed her one of the steaming mugs.

She pulled the crumpled paper out of her jeans pocket. He grabbed it before she could try to protest, threw a blanket over her lap, told her to stay put, and grabbed his keys.

"Sir, you don't have to do this," she practically shouted at him from the living room.

"Shut up, Sam," he called as he opened the door.

She smiled as she heard him drive away and she knew that she was in trouble.

He returned half an hour later with her medication, Chinese takeout, and a movie. He gave her the meds, made her up a plate, and made sure her foot was propped up before starting the DVD. He grinned as he plopped down beside her with a full plate of his own and a beer.

Yep, she sighed, she was in big trouble.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's amazing how little the impending destruction of the planet could take her mind off of the problems her heart was facing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the "spoken" dialogue (the dialogue in double quotes) between the characters in this chapter is taken from the Season 8 episode Threads (all of the dialogue in single quotes is still internal thoughts).

 

* * *

"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that."  
― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

It would seem that the universe was trying to tell her something. And there's nothing like facing your own mortality and the possible destruction of the world, to really help you gain perspective. So, when Pete took her to see the house he bought, Sam was breathless for all the wrong reasons. She barely heard Pete's comment about the dog before she found herself retching on the lawn. How could she have ever believed that this would be what she wanted? She apologized profusely and made an excuse about something she must have eaten as he helped her to her feet and back into the car. Pete drove her home and left a few minutes after her insistence that  she was just going to go back to bed and get some rest. But as soon as his car was gone, she grabbed her own keys and all but ran out the door.

* * *

It's amazing how little the impending destruction of the planet could take her mind off of the problems her heart was facing. Sam was thankful for the distraction, but the truth of the matter was that the closer they came to annihilation, the more she thought about Jack O'Neill.

So she rolled down her windows, blared the radio, and tried to pretend she didn't know where she was going. She let herself get lost in the beauty of the afternoon, a part of her strangely aware of how wrong it seemed that the world could be so sunny and warm when _her_ world was slowly becoming a quagmire. It was several hours later when she finally ended her self-deception and found herself parked in Jack O'Neill's driveway. She turned off the car, and sat unmoving.

' _I don't think I can do this,_ ' she told herself yet again. ' _But if you don't do it now, you'll regret it._ ' With a glance at the ring on her left hand, she climbed out of the car.

* * *

The drive back to the SGC was a complete blur. She kept telling herself that she should've realized sooner that something was wrong with her dad. His entire demeanor during their meeting with Pete the day before and his attitude afterwards had been too somber. She could tell he wasn't sure about what to think of him and that had only added to her own doubts about her engagement. Now though as she sped toward Cheyenne Mountain, she couldn't help but dwell on the scene she'd just witnessed and couldn't stop it playing through her mind.

She was finally seeing straight after the incident with the house.

She was ready to lay everything on the line and tell him how she felt.

She had to know before she took the trip down the aisle once and for all where things stood with him.

" _Look, is this okay? I mean, I could have called first."_

He stammers a bit as he replies, " _No, yeah. I mean…it's fine. So, um…"_ he glances uncomfortably toward the back door,  _"what brings you to this neck of the woods on such a fine day, in my backyard?"_

" _Well actually I've…ummm,"_  she pauses clearing her throat before continuing, _"been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you."_

The General just looks at her, eyebrows raised.

_"The truth is I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that."_  She desperately tries to keep her voice in check as she struggles to keep breathing evenly and takes another deep breath.

_"Oh?"_  The look of confusion on his face spurs her on.

_"Pete put a down-payment down on a house,"_ she hears herself blurt out.

_"Well, that's great!"_ he says with a little too much enthusiasm _._

_"It's a beautiful house."_  She can't help but hear the trepidation in her own voice.

_"But…"_

_"The… the truth is, I'm having second thoughts about the wedding."_  She can barely believe she'd said it out loud, let alone the fact that she had just said it directly to Jack.

_"Why?"_  he asks softly his surprise laced with concern.

_"See, the thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that I'm making a big, huge mistake,"_ she swallows hard and tries to breathe evenly as she speaks.

Though desperate to know why she is telling him this now and wanting to know more, he can't help but glance uncomfortably toward the door, again. If Carter notices, she doesn't let on.

_"Look, Carter, I don't know what…"_

She cuts him off and continues knowing that if she doesn't finish what she has to say at this moment, she'll lose the nerve.

_"I'm sorry to bother you with this, but uh, see, there's actually a very good reason that I'm bothering you with this, and if I don't tell you now, I might never…"_

* * *

That was when her world slowly started to crack.

And she knew it was stupid, but she'd never expected to find another woman at the General's house. It wasn't that she couldn't believe that he'd gotten involved with someone; it was that she couldn't believe that he'd really let go of her and of what they might have had.

It was so unfair.

' _No, Sam, it's not,_ ' she scolded herself. ' _You tried to move on with Pete and Jack tried to move on with Kerry. Yes, it sucks but you have no right to say it isn't fair…_ _ **you**_ _took the first step away, he just followed your lead thinking that your feelings had changed!'_  

She shook her head trying to calm her nerves and get her thoughts in check. ' _You need to think about Dad right now, Sam,_ ' she reminded herself as she stopped the car.

She had no idea what was in store for her once she reached the infirmary.  So she brushed the tears from her face and walked toward the mountain.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'd thought he had it all figured out, that he could move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, any dialogue in double quotes and italics is taken directly from "Threads" while dialogue in single quotes and italics and in double quotes and regular font is mine.

 

* * *

"In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die:  
Ever drifting down the stream- Lingering in the golden gleam- Life, what is it but a dream?"  
― Lewis Carroll,  _Through the Looking Glass_

* * *

' _This can't be happening.'_

She closed her eyes tight against the barrage of thoughts and images playing out before her.

' _It's my fault. I'm the reason he joined the Tok'ra in the first place. Things could've been different…_ _ **Yeah, Sam, he would have died in that hospital four years ago and you would never have gotten your family back**_ _! But I dragged him into this war selfishly hoping only to save him. I knew he'd never say no.'_

"I'm so sorry, Daddy," she whispered to his sleeping form. She closed her eyes and let the tears she'd been fighting all day slip silently down her cheeks.

"Hey," he said softly squeezing the hand she was already holding. "You have nothing to be sorry about kiddo. I'm so proud of you! And, I have you to thank for these last few amazing years. Sam, I don't regret this, any of this, and neither should you. Selmak gave us an incredible gift. She gave us back to each other." He smiled at her and continued. "Samantha, I remember the loneliness and the emptiness I used to feel and the anger and resentment that took over after your mother died…Selmak helped take all of that away and gave me the perspective I needed to see just how much I needed you and your brother back in my life. Do you remember what I told you after your mom's funeral about not dwelling on the bad but celebrating the good?" A small smile formed on her lips as Sam looked into her dad's face and he reached up to grab her chin. "Sammie, don't let the bad of these last few months take the joy out of what's to come,  _whatever_  that may be." He cupped her cheek in his hand and gave her another soft, knowing smile.

Sam grabbed his hand in hers and then in an effort to keep more tears at bay, she changed the subject. _"A number of the Tok'ra have responded…"_

* * *

Jack had decided to give Carter some space after yesterday's debacle in his backyard. He knew full well what she had been trying to say to him but he was glad when Kerry had come outside interrupting her stammering explanation for seeking him out after Pete's surprise. Sitting here alone in his office, his thoughts strayed to the words Kerry had left him with earlier that day…

" _Is the Air Force the only thing that's keeping you two apart? Rules and regulations? Cuz if it is you are making a very big mistake."_

" _And you know what I should do?"_

" _Retire."_

" _Again?"_

" _Don't get me wrong, you are considered invaluable to the program by the Pentagon, but the President has appointed a civilian to run the SGC before. Just a thought."_

He took that thought with him as he made his way down to the isolation room where Jacob had been moved. He knew that several of the Tok'ra had been coming and going over the last few hours and figured that the man could use a break. He also wanted to check on Sam, of course.

Kerry had no idea just how right she was about his "issues." He'd thought he had it all figured out, that he could move on. He'd let Sam go by not interfering with her decision to accept Pete's proposal and he thought that had been it. The End. Kerry had provided a much needed distraction. They had fun together and the chemistry was there but he knew better than to think it would go very much further than it already had. He was actually relieved that she'd been the one to break things off and he hadn't been allowed to continue to pretend.

His thoughts were broken as he rounded the corner and he saw Sam standing outside the doorway of her dad's room leaning against the wall in much the same way he'd seen her lean into that tree when she'd hurt her ankle a few weeks ago on P3X-157. Head back and eyes closed, she looked as if she were wishing that the wall would take away her pain.

He gently placed a hand on her shoulder and felt her immediately relax as if her body just knew it was him. "Carter?"

She kept her eyes closed as she answered, "Yes, sir?"

"Need a break?" he asked softly.

The complete and utter exhaustion in her eyes when she turned to look at him was all the answer he needed. "C'mon, let's go get some coffee."

"But…"

"No buts, Sam. If anything happens we won't be far." He gently took her arm and started leading her away from the wall and toward the elevator at the end of the hall.

As the doors opened and they stepped inside, she looked up at Jack as Jacob's words echoed in her head...

_"I just want to know you're gonna be happy."_

_"I am."_  She tries her best to sound convincing.

Jacob looks at her with an exasperated look on his face,  _"Don't let rules stand in your way."_

_"What are you talking about?"_  She tries to keep her voice steady. He couldn't possibly know, could he? How, how could he know?

"You joined the Air Force because of me."

She smiles and doesn't deny it.  _"I love my job."_  She  _had_  joined the Air Force because of her father. Some part of her had hoped that their military connection would help bridge the distance in their personal relationship. In the end, it did. It just took a lot longer than she had anticipated. And, she now realizes that it all came with a heavy price.

Jacob nods and puts his hand on her cheek. Looking her directly in the eyes, he says,  _"You can still have everything you want."_

" _I do, Dad."_

Jacob sighs and looks at her fondly as she holds one of his hands in both of hers.

" _Really."_  She didn't know if she was truly trying to convince her father or herself that this was true. But either way, she didn't sound very convincing at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was thinking, wheels spinning, trying to figure out just what was needed to fix this problem. But this problem could not be solved.

* * *

"I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again."

― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass_

* * *

They walked in silence to the commissary. No one else was here this late but Sam took a seat at their usual table while Jack fetched some coffee and a snack for each of them. As he turned to take the tray to the table, he paused and took a moment to look at her. Even in exhaustion, she was beautiful.

It tore at his heart that he couldn't really help her right now. Her father was about to die and no one could change that this time. Because they knew that this time there'd be no last minute save. Standing there, he could see the strain on her face. She was thinking, wheels spinning, trying to figure out just what was needed to fix this problem. But this problem could not be solved.

She started as he set the tray down on the table, obviously just as deep in thought as he'd assumed. He handed her a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. "Sorry, no Jello tonight."

"S'okay. Thank you, General." She gave him a small smile. "I really needed this."

"It's not even good coffee, Carter." He said as he smiled back.

"It's ironic, don't you think." She looked at him with clouded eyes.

"What's that?"

"I was just thinking about how Selmak saved Dad's life just a few years ago and now Selmak is the reason Dad's going to…" she couldn't bring herself to say it.

They sat in silence finishing their snack. When they'd finished, Jack put their dishes away and walked her back to the elevator.

"Carter, go get some sleep." Before she could protest he continued, "I'm going to go check on Dad. You're exhausted. Just take a couple of hours and I'll wake you if anything changes."

She merely nodded and when the elevator stopped, Jack got out and walked her to her room. She opened the door and turned to face him.

"Sir, I…" He grabbed her hands in his and didn't let her finish.

"You can't fix everything, Sam," his eyes were soft as he said it. She pulled her hands from his and turned and walked into her room.

"But that's my job, right," she argued. "It's what I'm always expected to do." She started pacing as she spoke. "Aliens are coming to annihilate the planet. Don't worry, Carter will figure something out. Trapped on another planet with no way to get home? Relax, enjoy the local fare because Sam's coming to the rescue you just have to wait for her to rewrite the laws of physics and create something that shouldn't exist."

He winced when his eyes met hers but he merely closed her door behind him and let her continue.

"Blow up a sun, Sam. Keep a black hole from sucking us up, Sam. Figure out this ancient device and make it work, Sam. We're in trouble, c'mon Carter, think of something!"

Her voice had risen to a shout but now dropped to a painful whisper, "I can't do it this time, Sir, I don't have another rabbit to pull out of my hat."

He looked at her not knowing exactly what to say.

She looked back and couldn't keep the tears from welling in her eyes. "It's not fair, sir."

He knew that all of this had been building inside her for quite some time, probably years even, but her Air Force training and her Carter stubbornness had helped keep everything at bay. Now, as she faced losing her father again he knew that she couldn't hold onto her strong façade any longer. She'd been wading waist deep for a long time and he now needed to save her from drowning. And despite the current state of their "relationship" he knew that he was the only one who'd be able to help her face the harshness of this reality.

"Life rarely is, Carter, especially for us. But, we will get through this, I promise."

"We?" she asked through the tears that clouded her vision but refused to fall.

"Yes, Sam." He closed the distance between them and opened his arms. "C'mere."

She wilted into his embrace and let herself give in to the sobs that had been straining her words. "We."


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."  
― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

She stood staring at herself in the mirror. She longed to be dressed in her BDUs gearing up for a week-long trek through the mountains off world instead of putting on her crisp, clean dress blues trying to keep herself together enough to speak at her father's funeral.

She hadn't heard him approach, but tears formed in her eyes once again as she saw Jack's reflection as he stood in the doorway behind her.

At least she wouldn't be alone.

She needed him. She needed him so much that she wasn't afraid to let anyone see it. His strength was holding her together. There was no way she could pretend, no way to get around their feelings, without him she would not be able to make it through this day.

"I don't think I can do this, Sir." Her voice hitched as she turned to look at him. "I can't…how am I going to do this?" She couldn't stop the tears again. God, she felt like all she'd done these last few weeks is cry. Tears for Daniel. Tears for herself. Tears for Jack. Tears for what she'd done to Pete. Tears of joy over the fleeting thought of freedom to finally make the  _right_  decision. Frightened tears, sad tears, and now tears of desperation and devastation.

"C'mere."

It was all he had to say to send her into his arms where she clung to him for dear life.

* * *

Pete came to the service.

He made no move to stand with the family or with Sam's team. In fact, he stayed near the back of the church and on the periphery of the crowd at the gravesite. He came only to show support for his ex-fiancé and her brother.

Yet, as the service progressed, he couldn't help but notice the interactions between Sam and the three men on her team.

A steadying hand from Daniel as she stood to speak, a reassuring nod from Teal'c when she faltered during her speech, the unwavering gaze full of unspoken affection from her CO that kept her from falling apart, and the same reflected in her sparkling blue eyes as she sought his gaze for support.

And, it was in a subtle movement that he saw her reasoning for ending their relationship and he knew for certain that she was right. It was the way O'Neill touched her and the way her body responded to his touch. His hand at the small of her back as she cried at the cemetery, the way he steadied her shaking hands with a caress of her arm as Taps was played and finally, the gentle way he clasp her shoulder as she was handed the flag from her father's casket.

This might have gone unnoticed by any ordinary onlooker, might have looked to the outside observer like nothing more than a caring commanding officer comforting his second-in-command. He doubted her brother would even have noticed, but he'd heard her speak of her team with such passion and possessiveness that he now realized why he had been so jealous of them.

She was a part of them and they were a part of her. She needed them. She needed them in a way that she had never needed him. They were already a family.  She couldn't commit to him because these three men already held her heart. And perhaps one held it more closely than either of them would ever admit.

Yes, to anyone else, it was nothing more than the support of a fellow soldier and comrade-in-arms, but to those who knew Jack and Sam, the intimacy in those moments was so much more.

Pete approached the family with apprehension to say his goodbyes and express his condolences. Sam looked at him and he could see the sadness in her smile. He knew without a doubt that she had never meant to hurt him, but she'd been unable to fight the truth.

And so, he kissed her gently on the cheek, whispered, "I'm sorry," and slowly made his way back to his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had to write this from Pete's perspective. I couldn't help it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For someone so smart, she was seriously stupid sometimes and right now she was thanking God for proving her wrong.

* * *

"'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir,' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself you see.'"  - Lewis Carroll,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

She was curled up in a chair on his deck having traded her dress blues for a pair of old jogging pants and one of his favorite hoodies. Daniel had brought her a cup of coffee that she clutched in her hands as she stared out into the darkness.

"Jack, shouldn't we…" but Daniel couldn't finish as Jack cut him off.

"She needs a little space Danny. Just give it to her. She knows we're here."

"OK. Teal'c and I are going to make a supply run. You have no food here ya know."

"And by food you mean there's no more coffee?" Jack smirked at him as he threw up his hand at him and turned to leave. Teal'c, in turn, gave him a nod as they headed out the door.

Jack resumed his post.

She'd been outside for over an hour and although she was starting to get cold, she couldn't bear to go back inside. It was helping. The darkness and the cold were taking her mind away from the pain she'd been feeling these last few days. She still couldn't believe that so much of her life had changed so quickly and so drastically. She didn't hear the door open or Jack's footsteps as he approached. He placed a blanket around her shoulders and turned to leave.

"Stay." Her voice betrayed her and she could hear the fearfully desperate sound it made as she begged him not to leave her alone.

He moved to pull a chair over but she grabbed his hand. He took her mug, set it aside, and gently helped her move forward on her chair just far enough so that he could slide in behind her. Wrapping his arms around her shoulders, he pulled her back so that she was lying against him. Sam rested her head between his chin and his shoulder and he lightly kissed her hair. She sighed and he felt her relax.

"My dad told me that I could still have everything I want," she said after several minutes finally breaking the silence. "I _want_ someone to come home to. I _want_ a family. I _want_ a little girl with sandy colored hair, big brown eyes, and a wicked grin just like her daddy." She could hear his heart beat just a little quicker. "What do _you_ think, Sir? Is it still a possibility after all this time or am I just kidding myself by still thinking of it?"

For a moment, he said nothing but when his silence on the subject seemed to cause the next round of tears to fall, he spoke quietly. "I think we've both been kidding ourselves for a long time, Sam," and he reached without hesitation to wipe the tears from her face much like he'd done that day in the infirmary, "but I think we may finally be on the right track."

They lay there on the deck letting the quiet calm both of their hearts.

Jack wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard the door and turned to see that Teal'c and Daniel had returned.

"Jack?" Daniel said cautiously, "everything ok?"

"Yeah, we're ok, Daniel." Jack looked down at Sam and smiled. "For the first time in a long time, we're ok."

Daniel could just make out Sam's sleeping form now curled into Jack's chest with a look of contentment on her tear stained face. Jack smiled at Daniel and shared the same content expression as he closed his own eyes.

Daniel ducked back inside to grab a quilt off the guest room bed. He brought it out and laid it over his two best friends both now sleeping more peacefully than he'd seen them in years. "It's about time you guys," he whispered as he went back inside to start dinner.

As the door closed Sam snuggled a little closer and Jack tightened his hold on her smiling.

* * *

She had no idea how long she'd been asleep but Sam shivered as she awoke and felt arms tighten around her. She was cold and she had to pee but she had no desire to move. She inhaled deeply and found herself lost in an intoxicating mixture of aftershave and wood smoke. She finally opened her eyes and looked up at the man who was holding her tightly.

"Hey there," he whispered sleepily.

"Hey, yourself."

"Cold?"

"A bit."

He smiled and rubbed her arms. "C'mon, let's go inside. I'm sure Daniel and Teal'c probably have dinner close to ready by now."

She pulled herself up off of his chest just enough that he was able to get out of the chair. He then reached for her hand to help her to her feet. For a moment they just stood there, eyes interlocked. Then, Jack pulled her close and with his arm around her shoulders, led them inside.

* * *

Sam awoke once more that night with Jack's arms wrapped around her.

This time they were on the couch having fallen asleep watching a movie.

She looked around the room and smiled.

Daniel was passed out in the chair, glasses askew, legs dangling over one side while his head threatened to fall off the other.

Teal'c sat stoically as ever against the opposite wall meditating or sleeping, she couldn't tell which.

She couldn't remember when she'd been as afraid as she had been this past week as she laid her father to rest. So many uncertainties had plagued her. She'd pulled away from her team since Pete came into her life, kept them at a distance, telling them only parts of the truth. She wasn't sure that they still trusted her the same way they had before. And, some little part of her brain had decided that the guys would finally have had enough and leave her to pick up the pieces alone.

For someone so smart, she was seriously stupid sometimes and right now she was thanking God for proving her wrong.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'd spent so long playing by the rules...

 

 

* * *

"Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to." ― The Cheshire Cat,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

 

Not surprisingly, Sam slept through most of the next day. At some point in the night, Jack really wasn't sure when, he'd carried her to his bedroom and there he'd lain with her for most of the night, soothing her when she became fitful and just watching her sleep.

He knew that she was in no condition to go back to work and so he had decided that the entire team would get at least another full week of down time. He'd also decided that the down time would be spent together. Between Daniel's disappearance and almost ascension (again) and Jacob's death, Jack felt a strong need to keep everyone close, at least for awhile.

He'd just gotten off the phone with General Hammond when Sam made her way into the kitchen.

"What time is it?" she asked through a yawn.

"Noon."

"Wow. And I still feel like I could sleep for a week." She rubbed her eyes and ran her hands through her hair.

He grinned up at her. She was still dressed in his jogging pants and sweatshirt but her bare feet had found their way into his slippers. ' _Damn_ ,' he thought to himself, ' _I think I could get used to this._ ' _  
_

"Coffee, Sleeping Beauty?"

"Please," she replied grinning back unaware of the effect she was having on her CO.

She took a moment to look around the kitchen. The General was amazingly neat. Whether it be aide of his career or just his personality, she really wasn't sure but for some reason it always seemed to surprise her.

She watched him carefully as he made a fresh pot of coffee. It wasn't as if she'd never been here before, never woken up in this house, but for some reason this morning, she felt as if she were seeing him as if it were the first time. Silver-grey hair, broad muscular shoulders, toned back and...' _Sam stop looking at your COs six'_...he turned and she felt the blush creep up her neck and over her face.

Busted.

He just grinned wickedly at her, told her to sit, and turned back to the task at hand. Once the coffee had started to brew, he threw a bagel into the toaster. He then grabbed a small frying pan, cooked up an egg, covered it with cheese, and proceeded to put both on the bagel.

Jack plated the sandwich, poured the coffee, and turned to place the plate and cup on the table. As he set the plate in front of her, he looked down into her eyes and smiled.

Sam thought that she would melt. She once again felt herself blushing as she took everything in.

So much had gone so wrong in recent months that she could hardly believe she was sitting here. She closed her eyes and sighed contentedly.

It made Jack chuckle.

He tried not to stare as she tucked into the meager meal he'd provided. However, he knew as he looked at her over his kitchen table that this is what his life was meant to be. Because, as he'd watched her sleeping this morning, he couldn't help imagining Sunday mornings in bed with coffee and the crossword, or the two of them wrapped in his grandmother's quilt cuddling in front of the fireplace at the cabin, and yes he even let himself entertain the fancy of that little brunette with a head full of curls and a smile like her mother's jumping between them as they try to sleep in on a weekend.

Waking up beside her this morning had just felt right.

' _Dangerous Jack_ ,' he thought briefly but then just as quickly, he shoved the thought aside. They'd spent so long playing by the rules and letting other people dictate just about every aspect of their working relationship and friendship, letting procedure and protocol determine how much emotion was too much and how too much concern for the other's well being bordered on unprofessional.

It was time to put it all aside and let themselves be honest.

Jack had spoken with General Hammond about his upcoming transfer to Washington to take his current position as Hammond was moving to a more advisory position. And, just a week before Jacob's funeral, he had personally received the request from Area 51 for Sam to head up Research and Development. He still hadn't had the opportunity to speak with her about it and find out if it was something she truly wanted and he was unwilling to sign off on it until he knew for certain where she stood, where they both stood for that matter.

There was no doubt that there would always be an enemy out there that the SGC would be called to the front lines to fight and that meant that SG-1 would never truly get a break from fighting all of the big bads they'd meet through the Stargate.

Waiting was no longer an option.

Over the last year, with him in charge of the SGC, and Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c going it alone (well, going it without him), things had already changed and a new course had begun mapping itself out. His transfer to D.C. would seal the deal. The original quartet would be broken up forever and if Sam decided to take her transfer as well, he was certain that Daniel and Teal'c would follow suit and jump ship. For as much as they loved being a part of SG-1, Daniel was dying to get a stint in Atlantis and the Free Jaffa had been trying to get Teal'c to take on a bigger role in their new leadership.

Life as they knew it was about to be altered for all of them.

Unfortunately, that meant it was all up to Sam. If she decided to stay at the SGC it was doubtful that Daniel or Teal'c would leave. Their loyalties to her were too strong. They would never let her go it alone and abandon her to a new team they couldn't trust to watch her six. But, Jack hadn't really let himself dwell on this possibility much because it left little room for he and Sam to discuss, let alone decide, anything "off the record."

He must have been lost in his thoughts for quite some time because when he looked up from his cup, he saw Sam looking at him strangely.

"Penny for them, Sir," she said quietly.

"Carter, we're not on duty, and we're not going to be for quite some time. Drop the 'Sir' and please call me 'Jack,'" he smiled, "especially when you're wearing my clothes and eating breakfast at my kitchen table."

"Ok. So, Jack," she loved the way his name played across her lips and smiled as she again offered, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Oh, Carter, these thoughts are gonna cost a lot more than that," he replied still giving her an impish grin.

"Sam."

"What?"

"If I'm dropping the 'Sir' and calling you 'Jack,' you have to drop the 'Carter' and call me 'Sam.' Especially when I've spent the night in your bed and you've made me breakfast." She blushed again but couldn't help donning a smirk of her own.

"Sam it is then," he replied with a nod.

They sat in silence for a few minutes sipping their coffee. Sam glanced outside again and couldn't help standing and walking over to the sliding door that led out to the deck, the deck where yesterday they seemed to have reached an understanding.

Smiling, she took another drink from her mug and turned back to face Jack.

"Well?" she questioned.

He took a deep breath and started the conversation they'd been waiting eight years to have.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This strange, twisted rabbit hole she'd found herself in offered too many twists and turns for her liking these days.

* * *

"Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.  
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.  
'I don't know,' Alice answered.  
'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter." ― Lewis Carroll,  _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

"Sam, I spoke with General Hammond today."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes and no." She frowned at his cryptic reply and waited for him to elaborate.

"He is being taken out of his role at Homeworld Security and moving to an advisory role at the White House."

"Wow. That's great…for him I mean." Staring down into the murky darkness of her mug she asked, "So how's this going to effect the SGC?"

"Things are going to be changing," he paused before adding, "a lot. I've been asked to replace Hammond at the Pentagon." Sam looked stricken as she processed this information. "And, you should know that I've already accepted the position."

"What?! Why?" she couldn't help the note of hysteria that crept into her voice. How could this be happening just when things seemed to be falling into place?

He watched as she processed the news of his transfer. A small part of him couldn't help being glad that she was upset. ' _That's a good sign, right?_ ' But as her gaze became more distant, he knew he needed to bring everything about this new situation to light.

"Sam, I want you to know that I didn't make this decision lightly. I love my job at the SGC and you know how I feel about paperwork and politics." His attempt at humor fell flat. "But, there were other  _things_  I had to consider when I decided to do this."

"Yes, Sir," she couldn't help switching to soldier mode.

He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair before continuing, "Sam, there's more."

She shook her head. She really didn't want to hear anymore. She put down her mug and wrapping her arms around herself, she once again stared out the window. What more could there be? She gazed at the backyard longingly. Only yesterday they had been out there, together, wrapped up in silent understanding. She'd finally felt like things were falling into place and now the universe was mocking her, again. She blew out the breath she never realized she was holding and glanced back at Jack.

"Last week I received a transfer request."

"But you just said..."

"This request wasn't for me," he paused, " it was for you." He once again checked her now schooled features for a reaction and watched as a look of surprise broke through.

She continued to stare at him waiting for him to continue. "They want you to be the new head of Research and Development at Area 51. Something about the X-302s and some new spaceships that need to be designed." He never thought he'd hear himself utter those words and he couldn't help but grin as he told her.

"Head of R & D? Me? Wow." She turned back to the window. Part of her was immediately excited and her brain started thinking about all of the alien tech she would get to play with if she took the position, but she just couldn't keep her mind, or her body, from the lingering warmth and security she'd felt with him last night.

Reality struck her in the face once again. "Damn." He was moving half way across the country and she might be going in the opposite direction.

Hearing the hurt in her response, Jack couldn't take any more. He got up from the table and walked over to where she was standing. Too apprehensive to wrap his arms around her waist, he placed his hands on her shoulders instead and gently turned her around to face him.

"Sam, look at me," he asked when her eyes remained focused on the floor. Reluctantly, she gazed up at him and immediately felt her eyes start to burn. "I know this is a lot to take in, especially considering everything that has happened recently, but you don't have to decide anything right now. SG-1 is still on down time until I say otherwise. I want you to take this week to relax and think things through."

She leaned into him, took a deep breath, and wrapping _her_ arms around _his_ waist, told herself that everything would be okay…somehow.

They'd been standing there for several minutes, her face resting against his chest, when Sam heard herself whisper, "I want to go to the cabin."

"What!?" was all he could manage to sputter in response to her statement.

She gazed up at him with a grin, "Your cabin. I want us to go. That's where I want to spend our down time this week. If it's alright with you, S...Jack."

He grinned back as she once again struggled to let herself use his given name. He grinned even wider as his mind began flipping through images of her in jeans and a flannel, curled up in front of the fire, sleeping in his… _'Stop right there, Jack,'_  he warned himself again.  _'You still haven't had **that**  conversation.'_

He was quiet so long she began to fear his response. "Jack?"

He realized that he'd once again allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts. "Sorry, Sam. Yes, I would love it if you, and by you I mean Daniel, and Teal'c, and you, of course," he cleared his throat, "would take a trip to my cabin this week."

She smiled, a genuine Carter light-up-the-room smile, refilled her cup and then sliding the door aside, she stepped out onto the deck.

* * *

She left Jack standing alone in the kitchen and sought out one of the chairs from the night before.  Curling her feet up under her, she closed her eyes.

It was a gorgeous Fall day. The leaves had just begun to turn and though there was a slight chill in the air, the sun still shone with warmth. Though now tinted with sadness, it was her favorite time of year. She wished she could truly enjoy it today.

If she could only just turn her brain off for a little while. No thoughts, no fears, no reservations about her actions. She wanted to feel absolutely nothing or absolutely everything and right now, she really wasn't sure which but she didn't want to _think_ about it any longer because she was more confused now than ever over what she should do.

_"If you don't know where you're going, any road can take you there."_

Hmm. Perhaps the Cheshire Cate was right, what's the difference if you take this road or that one? Even when you think you know what lies at the end, sometimes things are not always what they seem to be. ' _Everything sure would be different in a world of my own,'_  she mused. This strange, twisted rabbit hole she'd found herself in offered too many twists and turns for her liking these days. Adventure was one thing, but she was starting to feel very much like Alice, trapped in a world of chaos and misunderstanding where nothing was what it seemed to be and the way home became more and more elusive.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If you don't know where you're going, any road can take you there," is a quote from the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland and from a George Harrison song called Any Road.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her week had been such a whirlwind she could hardly remember where one thing ended and other began.

* * *

How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! -Alice,  _Alice in Wonderland_  by Lewis Carroll

* * *

"Could we drive, Jack?"

When she'd asked, Sam had known his answer before he'd spoken it but still smiled at his acquiescence. Her smile only broadened as she thought about the upcoming drive and the week ahead. She was really looking forward to the time she would have with her guys but, more than that, she desperately needed this drive to the cabin and the time it would allow her alone with Jack.

He had smiled at her question and reveled in the idea of spending the extra time alone together. They had decided to leave early the next morning so when Sam had finished her coffee, Jack took her back to her place so that she could pack.

First he called Hammond to extend their leave because of the drive, then he called Daniel while Sam was getting ready to go and made plans for he and Teal'c to drive to the cabin separately. Both friends were in agreement with Jack that Sam needed some more time alone and that she especially needed some time alone with him. So the guys were set to leave a day after Jack and Sam. Breaking the 16-hour drive into two legs, they'd be able to give the "couple" almost three days alone together. Three days to discuss, dissect, and decide on the best plan for the near future.

Twenty minutes later, they stood on Sam's front porch, the warmth of Jack's body sending chills up her spine as he stood close behind her watching as she put her key in the lock. She turned to look at him as she opened the door, their eyes locking. They were still standing there in her doorway several moments later when Jack broke the silence and asked, "Do you want me to stay and we can go back to my place for the night, or do you want me to go and come back to pick you up in the morning?"

His question had no innuendo behind it, it was what it was. Which would be more convenient was all that he was asking. God, she loved that about him. She couldn't believe how many times since they'd been introduced so many years ago that Jack had placed her needs ahead of his own and sometimes everyone else's.

"I  _really_  want to stay with you tonight," she said almost shyly, "but I think I should take a little time to myself. I have a lot to think about before we leave."

He gave her an understanding nod then leaned in to lay a slight kiss on her forehead. "Until tomorrow, then," he said smiling down on her, "0700?"

"0700"

He started back down the steps.

"Jack!" He spun around quickly at the urgency in her voice to see her standing, almost huddling in the doorway, arms wrapped tight around her middle as if warning the world to stay at bay. "Thank you."

His smile stayed with her as she backed into the house and closed the door.

* * *

She took her time gathering her things but it still only took her about an hour to get her bag ready. After placing it by the door, Sam turned to look into her empty living room and sighed. She missed him already.

She shook her head trying to focus on what else needed to be done before they left tomorrow. People she didn't even know had been bringing her food all week and with this trip, she was going to have to freeze most of what was in her refrigerator. She put the kettle on and sighed as she turned to face the offending appliance. As she reached for the door, she noticed a note was taped to it. She immediately recognized the handwriting and smiled.

_Sam,_

_I remember the ungodly amount of food that I had in my apartment after Sha're's funeral so I figured I'd help you out. Cassie took some things back to school with her yesterday and Teal'c and I helped ourselves to dinner. The leftovers are in the freezer. Don't worry, I remembered to label them! Go drink your tea, have a cookie, and relax!_

_Love,_

_Daniel_

She made her tea and grabbed a cookie from the small plate Daniel had left on the counter and smiled. She didn't know why God had blessed her with these three amazing men, but she couldn't put her gratitude into words.

She was closer to Daniel than she'd ever been to her real brother, even after they'd reconciled. She could tell Daniel anything and she knew he'd always be honest with her, even if she didn't want him to be.

Teal'c was the overprotective big brother she never knew she always wanted, a protector and confidant, the keeper of her greatest secrets. And, despite his stoicism, he was one of the most perceptive and understanding people she had ever known. In fact, she was pretty sure that Teal'c was the first one to realize just how deep a connection she felt with her then-Colonel.

She settled herself on the sofa with a soft sigh. Her week had been such a whirlwind she could hardly remember where one thing ended and other began. Her anticipation of the day to come pushed her mind back to the conversation that had set things in motion.

* * *

She'd been called off-world unexpectedly to do a little recon with SG-3. They'd discovered that P4C-997 had most of the qualifications for a possible new off-world base and needed to confirm that no angry natives were going to surprise them. Instead, they were attacked by some of the local wildlife and had ended up quarantined upon returning.

She'd called Pete from the infirmary as soon as she'd cleared her post-mission physical and told him she'd be about an hour later than she'd originally thought. He'd seemed okay and was very understanding considering it was the third time in as many weeks that she'd been delayed or unable to meet him because of work.

Of course, keeping to true SGC style, things did not go according to plan.

Colonel Reynolds had a reaction to the bite he'd gotten from one of the creatures on 997. This meant that everyone who'd been in contact with one of the animals on the planet had to remain under observation  _indefinitely_. She'd been scratched by one of the dog/wolf/fox-like things and that meant that she'd been quarantined, unable to leave isolation and unable to call Pete and explain.

When she was released from the infirmary, she called Pete first thing.

"Pete, I'm sorry."

"I know." His reply was flat. There was no emotion behind it at all. She'd expected him to be angry with her and now she was at a loss as to what to do next.

"Can we do something tonight?"

"No." Again his response held no emotion.

"Are you okay? You don't sound like yourself."

"Does it really matter, Sam? I mean in the whole fighting aliens, saving the planet scheme of things do my feelings really matter?" She finally heard a slight edge creep into his voice.

"Pete, of course they matter. I love you."

"Do you love me enough to give it all up?"

"What?!" She couldn't hide her surprise and her shock at the question.

"The SGC, going out in the field, your team, can you choose between all of that and me, not that I would ask you to, but if you have to think about it Sam, if you can't say with 100 percent certainty that it wouldn't be a choice, then we have a problem."

"Pete, I..."

"Look, I have to head to Denver for the week. We can talk when I get back." His voice softened as he added, "I'm really glad you're okay, Sam."

She'd gone home to an empty house that night and lay awake knowing that Pete had been right. She couldn't make that choice. She couldn't choose between Pete and her job, Pete and her team, Pete and the General. Well, she  _could_ choose, she just couldn't choose him.

The next weekend, her doubts were confirmed. She'd made up her mind after Pete met her dad and her decision was cemented when he showed her that house.

* * *

_"You can still have everything you want."_

Her dad's words brought a smile to her face as she made her way to her room. When she glimpsed her bag waiting by the front door, she let the events of the last week play out again in her mind.

"I'm going fishing," she said smugly as she turned down the hall, "I'm going fishing."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “C'mere,” he said.  
> Once again, that one little word was all it took for her to all but fling herself into the comfort of his waiting arms.

* * *

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and wonder what was going to happen next. – _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ by Lewis Carroll

* * *

 

 

Jack stood on Sam's front porch anxiously waiting for her to answer the door. _'I haven't been this nervous since my first date with Sara,'_ he thought to himself as he wondered how long he should wait to ring the bell again before it went from appropriate pause to impatient and annoying. Just as he put his face to the window to try and see through the gap in the curtain, Sam pulled it back and smiled at the sheepish grin framed by her door.

He stepped back as she opened the door and held up the bag of pastries he'd stopped for on the way over. “Quick bite before we hit the road?”

“Sounds great. I was just filling us a thermos.”

“Great minds, Carter,” Jack said following her back to the kitchen.

He tore into a cheese Danish while she readied the thermos and put the rest of the dishes away and she wondered if he could see that her stomach was in knots. Who knew butterflies could fly as fast as an F-16 doing training maneuvers?

It was a beautiful autumn morning and while finishing her coffee, Sam found herself getting lost in the scenery as they made their way out of Colorado Springs.

Jack simply feigned interest in the road in front of them admiring her beauty in stolen glances, something he'd gotten very good at over the last eight years, until he was unable to take the quiet any longer. “So.”

She turned and smiled, “So.”

“Whatcha thinking about?”

She didn't answer right away, instead turning her view back to the scene outside the window unsure of whether she wanted to admit the conflicting emotions tangling up inside her. Fear, trepidation, excitement, elation, and sadness all took turns vying for the best poll position in the race against the force of her restraint.

Noticing the crease return to her brow, Jack cleared his throat pulling her from her thoughts. “Rock or Pop?”

“Sorry?”

“Music. Rock or Pop?”

“Definitely Rock.”

“Classic or Present Day?

“Has to be Classic.”

“Okay. Aerosmith or Eagles?”

“Seriously? Both. It depends on my mood. Though Steven Tyler...” He scowled at the dreamy expression that overtook her as she finished her thought. “Mmmm.”

“Really?! What is it about him and Bono anyway?”

She giggled. “It's a girl thing, Jack.”

“Sha!”

“Alright,” she grinned, “my turn. Steve Miller or Styx?”

“No contest, Steve Miller all the way.”

“Agreed. I can't listen to _Joker_ without smiling.”

“Stevie Nicks or Debbie Harry?”

“Fleetwood Mac all the way.”

“Ok,” he said, “changing decades, Punk or Grunge?”

“I'm no stranger to the comfort of flannel. You?”

He looked at her, one eyebrow raised in an almost Teal'c-like fashion.“Let's just say that one might be able to find a copy of _Nevermind_ and _In Utero_ in my CD collection.”

At this _she_ raised an eyebrow.

“So I _can_ surprise you.”

She returned the smile he gave her with a laugh.

Their debate continued long after breakfast had been forgotten. Their conversation evolved to embrace many other subjects. It was refreshing to discover something new about one another, something others rarely got to see. For instance, neither of them knew that the other harbored a secret love of the literary world. Sam was unsurprised at his revelation of enjoying all things Shakespeare. While Jack hid his horror at finding out she liked Dickenson, _Charles_ not Emily. And, their mutual passion for poetry led to discussing everything from Wordsworth and Yeats to Maya Angelou and Alice Walker.

They were making good time and having fun, but it wasn't long before they found themselves ready to stop for an early lunch. Jack knew that after their great music debate, Sam would love the 50s themed diner he had in mind and it wasn't long before he pulled into a parking spot and turned off the engine.

“Ok, Carter, prepared to be ama...” his words fell flat as he turned to see the stricken expression on her face.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “Sam? What is it?”

She stared down at her hands in her lap as the sudden tears that burned behind her eyelids threatened to fall. She cleared her throat trying to answer but her voice wouldn't cooperate. “Sorry,” was all she could croak out as he reached for her hand and she looked up at him. The concern pouring from his eyes broke her barriers and she felt the wetness on her cheeks as she nodded toward the windshield.

Jack followed her glance to see the name of the diner flashing in the front window and instantly he wanted to kick himself for not thinking of it earlier. _Jake's_.

“Ah, jeesh. I'm sorry, Sam.” He squeezed her hand but couldn't help himself as he put his arm around her and pulled her closer. “C'mere,” he said.

Once again, that one little word was all it took for her to all but fling herself into the comfort of his waiting arms. But this sudden onslaught of grief made her want something more than one of his signature hugs.

He watched as she turned in on herself so that she lay curled in a tight ball on the seat of his truck and rested her head in his lap. Jack stroked her hair and let his hands rub her arm and her back. He could feel her hot tears dampening his jeans and it broke his heart to know that there was nothing he could do to quash her grief. His voice was hoarse from reigning in his own emotions when he finally said, “We can go somewhere else.”

His sincerity brought a smile to her face. “No. It's okay. I just wasn't expecting...” she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I wish I could help.”

She pushed herself up and let him pull her closer. With her head on his shoulder her arms snaked around his body, and she sighed. “You are, Jack. This,” she said burying her face in his neck and breathing in that scent of wood smoke, aftershave, and something that could only be classified as distinctly Jack O'Neill, “this is exactly what I need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We see Sam in flannel in Forever in a Day.
> 
> “Sha” is a slang term for “sure” sometimes used in a derisive manner. (Thanks go to Wayne and Garth for that one.)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She froze momentarily as her breath caught in her throat and she felt her heart flutter at the feel of him settling into her, knee-to-knee, hip-to-hip, his arm slung around her shoulder. No hallucinations, no drugs, no alien influence, just the two of them together learning how to express their affection without fear or trepidation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fell down the rabbit hole but found no Wonderland. Trapped instead inside real life and forced to change all plans. No time to search for Alice, nor the rabbit or his friends. I looked instead for ways to make the means justify the ends. I too have missed My Wonderland and I thank you for your wait. Another chapter lies below, thank you for your faith.

 

* * *

"I relieve and release your hurt so that you may be set free." - _Alice in Wonderland_ (1951 Movie)

* * *

 

The diner was everything she thought it'd be, from the chrome and leather booths to the jukebox in the corner that played 45s. They tucked themselves away in a corner and didn't bother with the menu as they each ordered a cheeseburger and fries and Sam smiled as the waitress brought over a chocolate malt complete with two red and white straws sticking out of the frost-covered metal cup.

They laughed their way through lunch despite the heaviness of their earlier emotions and Sam felt a release that she hadn't realized she'd needed. A long-forgotten ease had returned to their interaction and the inhibition that had once existed before their feelings had been forced into the open and then pushed further beneath the surface, found itself now settling between them.

"Any requests?" Jack asked as he got up and motioned to the jukebox.

She shook her head.

"Ah, going to leave yourself and all of these innocent people at my mercy?" He waggled his eyebrows and gave her a smirk before he turned he walked away.

She watched him from across the room. He was moving with an elegance that one would not normally associate with an Air Force General. So casual, so carefree, so sexy. He turned and caught her in a look that did nothing to hide what she'd just been thinking and she quickly looked away as she felt her cheeks blush hotly.

Gone only a few minutes more, he slid into the booth beside her when he returned. She froze momentarily as her breath caught in her throat and she felt her heart flutter at the feel of him settling into her, knee-to-knee, hip-to-hip, his arm slung around her shoulder. No hallucinations, no drugs, no alien influence, just the two of them together learning how to express their affection without fear or trepidation.

She smiled and relaxed into him as _The Joker_ started playing on the jukebox. The smile stayed when she heard him humming along.

And so they stayed there, huddled in the booth finishing their malt. Jack's hand trailing up and down her arm, her head resting on his shoulder until one too many "get a room" eye rolls from their waitress made them feel like it was time hit the road.

They lingered another few minutes, letting the remainder of the songs Jack had chosen play out. And as the truck pulled back out onto the highway, Sam let herself take a brief look back at the neon sign winking in the window and smiled.

_'You deserve to love someone and be loved in return._ '

They had been riding in contented silence for several miles when Sam reached for the radio. Jack offered her his stash of CDs, knowing what it would be like to try to find music amid the incessant static of the countryside, but she shook her head and determinedly continued her search. When she finally found a station that she knew they both could enjoy she smiled at him before settling back in her seat with a soft sigh. Sam closed her eyes as the Eagles played and let _Desperado_ lull her to sleep.

_'Always the brave soldier,'_ Jack mused as he once again stole glances at her while also trying to focus on the road in front of them _._ She was used to running on nothing but adrenaline and caffeine in high stress situations, but the exhaustion caused over the last week had her running on fumes and it was only a matter of time before she crashed and hard. Her earlier breakdown at the diner was proof that her control was slipping and he knew how much it had to have embarrassed her. They were alike in that respect. Both constantly covering themselves with their military bravado and vowing to keep all emotions in check no matter the situation. The fact that she had not only let him help ground her, but that she had willingly sought his comfort spoke volumes about her current state of mind.

Without a doubt, he knew this trip would be good for her. She would finally get some space to clear her thoughts and relax. And if nothing else came of forcing her into relative solitude, he'd make sure she got some much-needed sleep. If she had stayed in the Springs, she would have inevitably ended up holed up in her lab over-working, trying to cover her feelings and avoid the sympathetic stares and condolences from those around her. No, this was the only way he could make sure that she would take all the time she needed to deal with her father's death, her impending transfer offer, and what all of this would mean for her feelings about "them."

Sam sighed in her sleep and Jack reached over to tuck her hair behind her ear. He'd out-and-out stare if he wasn't driving at that moment because it was truly wonderful to see her. He hadn't really seen very much of her over the last few months, infirmary visits aside, and he'd been able to gauge the tension building inside of her for quite some time. After all, they'd pretty much written the book on interpretation of body language and how to say things to one another without ever actually speaking.

The tension between the two of them had been almost unbearable after she'd shown him that damned black box. Unable to compartmentalize his hurt, he took it out on her by freezing her out, being formal almost to the point of acting like they were strangers, and outright avoiding being alone with her at all costs. And then, while he sat back licking his wounds in the arms of another woman, she had pulled herself further and further away, desperately trying to create another life in which she didn't have to pretend that this game they'd played for so many years wasn't a painful one.

Eyes back to the road in front of him, Jack let his mind wander as the radio played. He knew that he and Sam were off to a good start despite recent events. They'd both acknowledged the mistakes they'd made and the hurt they'd caused and both had forgiven one another, if not themselves, for being so short sighted that it had taken Kerry and Jacob to force them to acknowledge the truth.

_'Don't let rules stand in your way, Jack. She loves you. Why can't you let yourself believe it?'_

He sighed as Jacob's words washed over him. He knew that the man would be smirking if he were here to see how far he and Sam had come in just a few days. ' _And if he_ _were_ _here, I might even let him take a little bit of the credit for it,'_ he mused.

She stirred beside him and a sleepy voice pulled him back from his reverie, "Jack?"

"Yeah."

She looked at him, sleepy-eyed, hair mussed, and for a moment he felt his heart stop.

"Thank you."

"Anytime, Carter, anytime."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get nothing but my own satisfaction from my use of Stargate's characters and my mention of The Eagles, The Steve Miller Band, and their music.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't want this closeness to end, to sleep alone. But as much as she knew that she loved him, loved the idea of them, she was nervous and a little scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wish I had a good excuse, but it’s been regular old, garden variety writer’s block that has kept me away from this story. If you are still reading, I greatly appreciate it and I promise that the end is in sight. Thank you for all of your kind comments and reviews.
> 
> A/N 2: As in previous chapters, dialogue that is italicized and in double quotes is dialogue lifted directly from the Season 8 episode Threads. Any italicized dialogue in single quotes is still internal thoughts, and dialogue that is in quotes but not italicized is original dialogue.
> 
> Thank you to my beta, Amara, you’ve truly helped me become a better writer!
> 
> Oh, yeah...Stargate is still not mine. I’m just playing with Sam and Jack. I promise to have them home in time for supper.

 

* * *

"Only it is so very lonely here!" Alice said in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh, don't go on like that!" cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. "Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you've come today." -  _Through the Looking Glass_ , Lewis Carroll

* * *

 

She stared out the window at the empty swimming pool below, wishing she could take a late night swim to help clear her mind and relieve some of the mounting tension she now felt. Jack had busied himself with reviewing the takeout menus provided by the girl at the front desk and was currently trying to decide between pizza and Chinese.

She felt his eyes on her and she turned back toward him smiling. She'd caught him looking at her and he couldn't help but grin back at her. She knew that he watched her a lot, he always had. They both seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to the other. Sometimes he just needed to make sure she was alright when he knew things were a bit off. Sometimes he'd lock eyes with her in a silent plea for understanding or conciliation. But mostly, she knew he watched her because he just couldn't help himself. In the same way she watched him, worried about him, and sought his support. He couldn't keep himself from letting his eyes confirm that she was there, that she was real, and that she was actually okay when she said she was "fine."

She started unpacking her bag, figuring if a swim was out of the question, a hot shower would have to suffice. She found the things she needed and looked up to find that he'd crossed the room and now stood just a few feet away from her on the opposite side of her bed.

A familiar awkwardness fell between them as she gathered her nightclothes and toiletries.

She gestured toward the bathroom. "Um, I'm going to take a shower."

"I'll order us some dinner. Any preference?"

"No. I trust you."

Before she turned toward the door, their eyes locked for a moment and a much deeper conversation took place in their depths.

Jack smiled as she turned to go. He knew he had to be careful over the next few days. He didn't want to treat her with kid gloves, but he knew she was still reeling over her father's death and felt guilty about breaking her engagement. He didn't want to be the catalyst for her making any rash decisions right now. He needed them to figure a lot of things out while they were at the cabin this week. Mainly, where would their next steps take them?

Both of them were facing sudden and potentially huge changes in their careers. And while he knew taking over for Hammond was the right thing to do for himself and the program, he also knew that she was the perfect candidate for the job at Groom Lake. Nevermind his selfishness in wanting her off of the frontline if he wasn't there to watch her six, both moves created a 2100 mile hurdle between them.

She stood under the stream of water letting the heat beat down on her neck and shoulders. The water pressure was impressive for a roadside motel and it did help ease the tension. This place wasn't the Ritz, but leave it to Jack to find the nicest place in the area to spend the night. Despite her reaction at the diner, she had to admit that she'd really enjoyed the day they'd spent together. It had been refreshing to talk about normal, everyday things and learning more about one another. She'd always thought she'd wanted normal, everyday things. That was a huge motivation behind her relationship with Pete. But, although he was able to make her happy for a time and feel like she might fit into a more normal lifestyle, she found out that she really preferred her crazy and unpredictable life. But, after today, she thought maybe it wasn't so much about the type of life she was leading, but having someone with whom she could truly share it.

She sighed, grabbing her shampoo and thinking back to what Jack had said just before her father had died. The moment she felt that perhaps her world wasn't as shattered as she had thought during that car ride to the mountain.

* * *

 He sat down beside her in the observation room where she'd been watching her father speak with the Tok'ra who had come to pay their respects.

" _You okay?"_

She didn't know if she had it in her to lie and knew that he'd see through her response if she did, but she couldn't break down in front of him, not now.

" _Actually, I'm fine. Good even, strange as that sounds. I thought I'd lost him four years ago. Since then we've been closer than we ever were my whole life. In a way, Selmak gave me the father I never thought I'd know."_

He watched her for a second, trying to size up her appearance and the words she had spoken. He knew she was not quite being honest, her pain not as hidden as she thought it might be.

" _C'mere."_

She couldn't help but reach up and grab his hand when his arm slid around her shoulders. She lay her cheek against their joined hands as she struggled against more tears.

" _Thank you, Sir."_

" _For what?"_

" _For being here for me."_

She thought she'd been alone through all of this and it tore at him. His own voice thickened as he took but a heartbeat to reply.

" _Always."_

* * *

Sam turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, taking her time drying off and getting dressed. Her stomach rumbled as she towel-dried her hair. It'd been at least 20 minutes if not a half hour since she'd disappeared into the shower and she hoped that dinner would be waiting when she stepped back out into the room. She wasn't disappointed.

"Feeling better?"

"Not as good as I'll be feeling after a couple of slices of that!"

Jack grinned and flipped open the pizza box that had been delivered just a few minutes earlier.

"Mmmm...everything but anchovies?" He knew that he could get away with more toppings without Daniel around to complain, but she still drew the line at putting salty little fish on her pizza.

"Yup."

"Sweet." She sat next to him on the bed and pulled a greasy slice out of the box. A few bites later, she broke the silence opening her soda. "You have a knack, you know that?"

He raised an eyebrow in a very Teal'c-like manner. "For?"

"For knowing exactly what I need, even when I don't have any clue myself."

He shrugged. "Well, I've had a lot of practice."

She thought of all the times when his strength was what had kept her going, kept her alive. "This is good."

Her words hung there as they finished their pizza, both knowing that she wasn't talking about just the food.

"Jack?"

"Yeah."

She grinned shyly, suddenly unsure how to ask her next question. She didn't want this closeness to end, to sleep alone. They hadn't talked about sleeping arrangements before checking in but Jack had asked for a double room and she'd inwardly sighed with relief. As much as she knew that she loved him, loved the idea of  _them_ , she was nervous and a little scared. She wasn't sure she was ready to jump into bed with him so quickly.  _'Quickly!? It's been eight years!'_  That thought was  _not_  helping her tonight.  _'C'mon, it's not like you've never slept in the same bed before, just ask him.'_

She remained sitting on his bed as he got up to dispose of the pizza box and soda cans. When he stepped back over to the bed, she gazed up at him and cleared her throat.

"Um, Jack, can I stay with you tonight?"

He smirked at her. "I think you already are, Carter."

"Jack."

"What? Do you think I'd turn down a hot blonde who's asking to share my bed? Let alone the hot blond I've been dreaming about for  _years_?" He tamped down the surge of passion he felt gazing into her gorgeous blue eyes and climbed into bed beside her.

She snuggled in beside him and it only took a few minutes for their hearts to synchronize beats and for each to match the other's breathing rhythm. Neither were sure which of them sighed in contentment, but they both smiled as they closed their eyes.

He was floating, teetering on the brink of a very serene and satisfied sleep when he felt her breath against his neck and heard her whisper.

"Thank you, Jack."

"For what, Carter?"

"For being here for me."

He wrapped his other arm around her, and placing a kiss on the top of her head he whispered his promise again, "Always."

 


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

Alice: “How long is forever?”

White Rabbit: “Sometime just one second.”

- _2010 Tim Burton adaptation of Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

 

When they pulled up the drive, the rest of the tension she’d been feeling the night before immediately fled from her body. Perhaps it was her state of mind after all that had happened this week, or maybe everything that had happened in her life had led her to this moment, all she knew was that here, with him, she was comfortable and content in a way she never thought she would feel. The sun was just starting to set over Jack’s fishless lake and it was the most beautiful sight she’d ever witnessed. She had been worried, unsure, and more than a little out of sorts thinking about coming here. After all, this is where he’d been longing to take her for so many years, this was his sanctuary. Yet standing here with him now, watching the early Autumn sunset, everything was so perfectly intrinsic and astoundingly uncomplicated.

 

* * *

 

They’d left just after breakfast and made really good time during this last leg of the journey. Jack offered her the keys when they stopped at a rest area about a hundred miles out from where they’d spent the night. She looked at him questioningly and he winked.

“What? Don’t trust me to navigate?”

She’d snatched the keys from his hands and hopped back into the cab, this time on the driver’s side. “Hope it lives up to all of my expectations,” she teased, winking back at him as she started the engine.

“Oh, it will. Just you wait.”

She returned his smirk and hit the gas.

As she drove, he was much calmer than she anticipated. Having expected him to act somewhat like an over-caffeinated drivers’ ed teacher, she was pleasantly surprised by his demeanor. He seemed quite relaxed in the passenger’s seat as he navigated her down the country highway.

She enjoyed driving and was liking Jack’s truck. It handled well and once she’d gotten the feel of it, she relaxed into the drive. She’d only driven Jonas’s truck twice during their relationship. He was a maniac about the damn thing. Once, he’d made her drive them to a friend’s barbecue and she’d pulled over halfway there and handed back the keys, forcing him to drive with a broken ankle because she’d gotten sick of his admonishment of her driving skills and his insistence that he could do a better job even with his cast.  Unfortunately, the second time she hadn’t had a choice and couldn’t relinquish the keys as he was too drunk to drive. He’d had her in tears by the time they’d reached home and the drive had ended up being the highlight of that night.

_‘But look at where you are now.’_

She smiled at the thought, glancing over at Jack pointing out sights and telling her little facts about the area that they were driving through and Minnesota in general. She shifted her focus back in time to catch “Land of a Thousand Lakes” and something about fishing and walleye.

He’d held his tongue only slightly as she gunned the engine and they took off. She owned a classic car and a vintage motorcycle and though he knew she was a bit of an adrenaline junkie, he trusted her behind the wheel of his baby. He could tell when she had gotten the feel of the truck and he relaxed a bit more, stretching his legs out in front of him and gazing at the scenery going by. He caught her sideways glances and then noticed a pinched look, almost a scowl on her face for a few moments before a smile lit her features once more as he brought up the topic of fishing.

He knew he’d get the lowdown sooner or later and instead of asking about it, he started giving her a crash course in Minnesotan history.  The cabin had been his second home no matter where he’d ended up in the world and it was almost sacred to him. It was a refuge, a healing place. And, a place that he’d wanted to share with her for so long that it had broken his heart each time she’d turned down his previous invitations. Oh, he knew her reasons, respected them, even agreed somewhat that it’d been a right decision, but there was a regret about it that he couldn’t let go. _‘Just imagine if you’d done this sooner!’_ He couldn’t help but wonder where the last few years would have taken them if she’d have accepted one of those propositions.

They were only a couple of hours away from the cabin when she pulled the truck into a travel plaza. “Coffee?” she asked, pointing to the last Starbucks for a hundred miles.

“Sure. Plain, black, none of that froo froo crap Daniel’s always trying to get me to try.”

“Jack, espresso is hardly froo froo. In fact, studies have shown…”

He cut her off quickly by throwing up his hands. “Ack! Carter! We’re on vacation! No studies, no statistics, no theories, got it.”

“Yessir.” She mock saluted him and turned toward the coffee shop.

He grabbed some sandwiches from the sub shop and when she returned with the coffee, took back the keys.

 

* * *

 

And now they were here. The sun was just starting to set over the lake and it drew her to the dock as it bounced off the water and lit up the changing leaves. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.

“Wow.”

Jack snuck up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Beautiful isn’t it.”

“I knew it would be, but I never imagined this.” She settled her hands over his and leaned back into his chest revelling in their new familiarity.

They stood that way, entwined on the dock until just a sliver of light could be seen between the trees. As the sun slipped further down the horizon, he turned Sam around in his arms so that she stood facing him. His heart sped up and he could feel his palms beginning to sweat as he stared into her shimmering blue eyes.

Shimmering?

“Sam, what is it?” he asked as he brushed away a tear that had trailed down her cheek.

“Nothing. Everything. I...damn it, why is this so hard?” Her eyes moved from him to the ground and she took a deep breath trying to steady her roiling emotions.

He lifted her chin with his finger, “Hey. You can talk to me. If we’ve found out only one thing in the last two days, it’s that we _can_ actually talk to each other, right?” He brushed her hair away from her forehead whispering, “Can I help?”

“No. Yes. Maybe?” She paused, looked out at the lake then back at Jack. “This is all just a little overwhelming, isn’t it?”

His eyes met hers again before his hands moved from resting on her shoulders to caress her face. “Yeah, it is but it's a good kind of overwhelmed. Look, I know it’s cliche, confessing our feelings while the sun sets in the distance, and you know how I feel about cliches, but it all feels…”

“Perfectly normal.”

“Yeah.”

Her heart began to race and the world slowed down when his lips barely brushed hers on their way to her ear. Her breath stopped as he whispered, “I love you Samantha Carter.”

She gasped. Turning her face to his, their lips met full force; her knees threatened to buckle and she was sure she’d fall if he were to let her go. Like lightning that strikes hard and fast with the fury of an exploding star leaving the brush smoldering, threatening to burst into flame with every whisper of wind, this kiss seared into them with a scorching intensity and left them spent yet wanting.

They broke away, both breathless and Sam lay her head on his chest and sighed. “Jack?”

“Hmm?” He was still trying to recover his senses, his body slowly betraying the true burn of his desire.

She looked up and he saw the same fire burning in her eyes. “Let’s go inside.”

#    
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She looked beautiful in the early morning light. Her hair untamed, eyes still clouded with sleep, and at this moment, questioning his sanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to my beta, Amara for being a lovely second set of eyes for me :)

* * *

Once more she found herself in the long hall, and close to the little glass table. ‘Now, I’ll manage better this time,’ she said to herself, and began by taking the little golden key, and unlocking the door that led into the garden. Then she went to work nibbling at the mushroom (she kept a piece of it in her pocket) till she was about a foot high: then she walked down the little passage: and THEN--she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains. -- _Alice in Wonderland_ , Lewis Carroll

* * *

 

Like a couple of teenagers at the Drive-In, they were all lips, hands, and limbs as they made their way into the cabin. Losing their remaining inhibitions, doubts, and fears, they surrendered themselves to the desires they’d wasted so many years denying.

It was still dark when Jack woke her gently the next morning. He handed her some clothes, grabbing a blanket from the bed while she dressed. Wrapping the blanket around her shoulders he handed her a mug of fresh coffee before he led her out to the dock where they’d stood the night before.

“So, which is better?”

She looked beautiful in the early morning light. Her hair untamed, eyes still clouded with sleep, and at this moment, questioning his sanity. “Huh?” It was all she could manage under the circumstances.

“Look.” He waved his arm in an arc around them, pointing out across the lake that was starting to once again sparkle with a rainbow of color. “Sunrise or sunset?” He took a sip of his coffee, breathing in the pungent aroma before speaking again. “ I’ve always been partial to the A.M. myself. It’s good to wake up knowing that you have a second chance to fix all the things you feel you’ve screwed up.”

He slipped an arm around her shoulders and gazed at the beauty of the scene around him. It’d taken him a long time after Iraq and an even longer time after Charlie’s death to really appreciate this gift of days. Riddled with guilt and wracked with pain, sunrises were a curse, not a blessing. But, as bad as some of those days had become, he’d pulled himself out of the blackness. First by focusing on Sara and Charlie and his need to be there for them as a husband and a father. And then, at his worst, it was Daniel and Skaara who helped pull him out of the pit and appreciate life again.

“Both are beautiful. I’m not sure I can choose, but having seen them both, in succession,” she smiled up at him, “I think having this moment, this new day, here with you, definitely gives sunrise a few more points. _Despite_ the hour and my lack of sleep.”

She leaned into him as he pulled her closer and grabbed the edge of the blanket with her free hand. He moved his hand down to cover hers.

“I’ve been thinking.”

He groaned. “But we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

She elbowed him in response.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said before we left the Springs, about the position at Groom Lake. If you’re ‘The Man’ who's in charge of ‘The Man’ who's in charge of my position, then technically I wouldn’t be in your direct chain of command, would I?”

“Well, I was going to talk to the JCS about that. Hammond says he doesn’t think making your position report directly to someone other than the Director of Homeworld Security would be a deal breaker for them.”

“Especially if it means I’m grounded, right?”

She turned so she could look directly at him.

“It’s your call, Sam. I won’t lie, the powers that be like the idea that one of their best and brightest and the world’s leading authority on the stargate won’t be in harm’s way everyday. And I’ll definitely rest easier knowing you’re not offworld in the middle of some God-forsaken planet getting your six shot at, but it’s going to be hard for you to give up gate travel. Trust me, I know.”

The sun was now above the treeline and dawn had truly broken. They turned and walked quietly back into the cabin, each refilling their coffee before Sam sat at the table and Jack started breakfast. She grinned at him over her cup of coffee. “You know, _General_...I could get used to this.”

 

* * *

 

She could hear Jack talking to someone in the next room. She’d just slipped her sweatshirt over her head and sat down to put on clean socks when she’d heard Jack raise his voice with such animation that she grinned knowing he must be talking to Daniel.

She padded out to the kitchen in her newly stockinged feet and refilled her cup with some of the freshly made coffee that’d been brewed while she was in the shower. It smelled wonderful and tasted even better now that she was awake enough to appreciate it. Jack had moved his increasingly loud phone conversation outside so Sam made herself at home on the couch by the fire.

A patchwork quilt lay draped across the back of the couch and she pulled it down around her shoulders admiring the stitching. Despite being noticeably well-worn and slightly frayed around the edges, it was beautiful. Her hands traced the lettering stitched into the lining on the back of the quilt, J ONEILL USAF.

“It was a present from my grandmother.”

He walked around the couch and sat next to her. Smiling, he brushed her hair away from her face and leaned in to kiss her as if it were something he did everyday. She could smell a combination of wood smoke, aftershave, and something that she knew was distinctly Jack O’Neill. She drank it in as she deepened the kiss inhaling deeply. She let herself get lost in the moment and when they finally broke the kiss, she moved so that she could lay back against him as he circled his arms around her. “Tell me more about her."

“Well, my grandmother raised three Army brats and was married to a Colonel. So she knew a thing or two about, well pretty much damn near everything. She gave me this quilt when I came home from basic training. ‘Jackie, it may embarrass you to tell people it came from your Granny, but it’ll keep you warmer than any woman you’ll meet on leave and it will put those standard-issue wool carpets to shame.’”

Sam giggled. “So did it?”

“What?”

“Keep you warmer than any woman you met on leave?”

“I plead the fifth.”

She giggled again as he tickled her sides and sighed as they settled into one another once more. “Ok, ok, so tell me, what did Daniel have to say that had you so worked up.”

“Oh, you know, just Daniel being Daniel. It’s been an uneventful trip and they’ve made such good time that they should be here tonight.”

“Ah, Daniel’s been driving?”

“Yeah. Teal’c did finally manage to wrestle the keys away for a few hours, but Danny’s been tearing up the pavement for most of the trip.”

“He’s worried about me, isn’t he? That’s why you took your conversation outside. It’s sweet, but you know I’m…”

“Fine? No, Sam. You’re _not_.” He sat up on the couch, forcing her to do the same and grabbed her hands. “Your dad just died. And up until a week ago, you were planning a wedding. Now you’re facing a major career change that will take you hundreds, if not thousands of miles from the people who love and care about you and we’re talking about starting a long-distance relationship. I’m sorry but when you put all of these things together, you are so very much not fine.” He reached up to place a hand on her cheek as she tried to turn her face away, “And it’s okay, Sam. It’s okay to not be fine right now.”

She smiled up at him. “I _will_ be, I will be fine, ya know.”

“Yes. Yes you will.”

She sighed. “So what time can we expect the boys here anyway?”

“Not until after dinner. I’d say between 8 and 9 the way it sounds. Any ideas what we're  gonna do ‘till they get here?”

She stood for a moment before sitting in his lap and leaning in to kiss him. It was several minutes before Jack could form a coherent thought let alone try to speak. The only thing his brain could process was Samantha Carter. Her lips on his, her hands under his shirt, her soft warm body slowly being undressed before him.

“Oh, I have a few _theories_ I think we can explore.” She smirked as she pulled his t-shirt over his head and kissed him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See my fic In A Perfect Dream (a series of one-shots at the cabin), in the first installment, Jack talks about the quilt his grandmother made him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So…” Daniel put down his fork and pushed his plate away. “What do we do now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is still reading after all this time. It's been a struggle to finish this story, but the end is most definitely in sight! Thank you as always to Amara for her wonderful beta skills :)

Alice could not help her lips curling up into a smile as she began: "Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too! I never saw one alive before!"

"Well, now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?”  -- _Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll_

__________

 

Sam awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and the sound of her best friends' laughter.  Daniel and Teal'c had arrived, as promised, just after dinner and despite having stayed up most of the night pretending to be "normal" people by just hanging out and playing cards, everyone was up early today. Sam yawned, stretched and slowly opened her eyes, smiling at the muffled banter she could hear through the bedroom door. She indulged in a long, lazy stretch before rolling back over onto her stomach and burying her face in her pillow. She knew there'd be fewer and fewer moments like this to enjoy in the future and she didn't want to rush getting out of his bed.

"She's getting better you know." Daniel was spreading cream cheese over a bagel and watching as Jack prepared breakfast.

"Huh?"

"Sam. She's turning into quite the card shark. If I didn't know better I'd say someone was coaching her." He glanced up at Jack over the top of his glasses. "Perhaps giving her _private_ lessons?"

“Whatever are you implying, Daniel?"

"Nothing. Just making an observation."

"Well, one usually observes with one’s eyes, Daniel, not one’s mouth."

Daniel smirked in reply and turned his attention back to his coffee and bagel. He trusted his instincts and in the fact that sooner or later his friend would either set him straight in no uncertain terms or confirm his growing suspicions that there was something going between his two best friends.

Jack’s scent lingered on the pillow next to her and Sam’s eyes clouded momentarily as she took a deep breath and let the memories of the last few days flood her senses. She could still taste his mouth on her lips and feel the heat of his body pressed tightly against her. Sighing contentedly, she sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed, pulling the sheet with her as she stood.

A piece of paper fluttered to the floor beside her and bending down to pick it up, she recognized Jack's distinctive scrawl.

_Carter,_

_Your bag is at the foot of the bed. If  you want to unpack, there’s room in the dresser, and there are clean towels waiting for you in the bathroom. Take your time._

_-J_

Hiding behind pretense, she’d kept her things in the guest room. It seemed silly now considering where she’d spent the last three nights. Smiling at his thoughtfulness, she grabbed her toiletries and made her way to the small ensuite. Not only were there fresh towels waiting, but brand new bottles of shampoo, body wash, and lotion were also lined up on the counter. She picked up the shampoo. It was one of her favorites, lavender and citrus, and the body wash and lotion were a coconut lemon combination that smelled amazing. Grabbing the bottles, she stepped into the tub contemplating what she was soon going to have to do.

A part of her was extremely nervous about facing her teammates. She knew that she needn't really have to worry about how they'd react, Teal'c especially had always had a kind of sixth sense about the true nature of her relationship with Jack. And Daniel had also been extremely perceptive over the years. She just wasn't sure how to approach the subject after so many years of blatant avoidance and after their having witnessed her retreating into Jack’s bedroom the night before. So she let herself linger under the hot spray until the water began to cool signalling that it was time for her to face her friends and their questions.

It turned out that she was right. She needn't have worried. Daniel's shit eating grin as he said "Good Morning," and the smile and nod she received from Teal'c when she finally walked into the kitchen revealed that they'd already gotten the confirmation they’d needed.

Daniel held out a mug, "Coffee?"

"Thanks." She took the mug and sat next to him at the table trying to hide her own grin in its steaming contents.

"So...Sam...you and Jack?”

She nodded and gave him a muffled “Uh, yeah.”

He threw an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug. “It’s about time.”

Jack smiled at the two of them and turned to start the omelets as he listened to their animated chatter. He’d been afraid of changing the team dynamic by revealing his new relationship with Sam, but change was the only thing the team seemed to be able to count on in recent weeks. Now that he and Sam had made their decisions, it was only fair that Daniel and Teal’c hear everything straight from the horses’ mouths. He plated the omelets and laid out the table as Daniel freshened everyone’s coffee. This was as good a time as any to get everything out in the open.

He let everyone get settled at the table and tuck into their breakfasts before he started the “family meeting.”

“Daniel, I know you’ve been wanting to go off to Atlantis and become Weir’s pain in the...neck.” He ignored the glare Daniel threw at him and continued. “And Teal’c, I know that Bratac has been after you to spend more time on Dakara and Chulack, so the timing couldn’t be better for all of us.” Daniel looked at Jack with curiosity as he began telling them about his and Sam’s soon to be pending transfers from the SGC.

“Are you...you’re sure? This is...wow...I mean...wow.”

Jack grinned at his power to put Daniel at a loss for words. "We've talked it over, Daniel, we’ve covered all of the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘maybes,’ in depth. With everything else that's happened recently, this just feels right. We all need some normalcy in our lives. And, even though this plan has its faults, everything is falling into place to make this work. We still have to talk to the powers that be, but..."

“I am happy for you O’Neill.” He turned to smile at the woman who’d become like his sister, “and for you as well, Colonel Carter. I wish great things for you. It has been an honor serving with you both and you will be missed.”

“Look, it’s not like we’re never going to see each other again guys.” She couldn’t help the tears in her voice as she looked across the table at them. “We can visit.”

Teal’c reached over and took her hand. “Indeed.”

"So…” Daniel put down his fork and pushed his plate away. “What do we do now?"

“Now Daniel?” Jack winked at Sam across the table. "Now we go fishing."

Daniel and Teal’c volunteered to clear the breakfast dishes and clean up the kitchen while Jack and Sam headed outside. Knowing how they both felt about fishing, it was probably a stall tactic but Jack didn’t care. He’d been outside earlier in the morning and had already set up two chairs at the edge of the dock. As they made their way to the water’s edge, he motioned for Sam to sit.

He opened the tackle box next to him and pulled out one of his favorite lures. These were simple, merely worms, but he smiled as he thought of  his grandfather and the summer he’d spent not only teaching him how to make different kinds of lures and flies, but also teaching him which colors and designs worked best for catching different kinds of fish. But today was about fishing, not catching fish.

Sam watched intently as he carefully tied the lure to the end of the fishing line, her gaze intense as she admired his skill and dexterity. She grinned at the long pink creature with which he’d adorned the end of her line.

Jack smiled back as he handed the pole over to her and picked up his own. Once it also held a lure, he showed her the best way to cast the line and slowly reel it in.

They sat alone in silence for several minutes, enjoying the quiet of the morning. She cast her line out into the pond, making sure she was far enough from his that she wouldn't get tangled as she slowly reeled it back in. It was amazing that something so simple could bring her so much peace.

For years he'd been trying to get her to come here, and it had saddened her when she'd said no one too many times and the invitations stopped. Their lives never seemed to sync in such a way as to allow them this simple pleasure, any pleasure really. They’d both tried to find _something_ with other people, some kind of connection that could rival this universal pull they had toward one another, but in all the years they’d known one another, neither had been very lucky when it came to love.

She glanced over at him leaning back in his chair, legs crossed at the ankles, cap blocking out the rays of the early morning sun. She’d never seen him so content. She’d seen him laughing, smiling, but never so relaxed, so free in movement and expression, so...outwardly honest with his emotions.

When Sam finally spoke, he could hear her own mix of emotions in her voice.

“This is great.”

He couldn’t hide his grin. “I told you.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t do this years ago.” She was still kicking herself over the amount of time it had taken to finally accept the invitation.

Biting his tongue against saying anything more blaming, even in fun,  Jack simply looked at her with incredulity. “Yes, well, let’s not dwell.”

She cast her line out once again. “There are no fish in this pond are there?”

“Nope.”

She giggled and smiled at him as she reeled the line back in.

He cast his own back into the pond. “Nice!”

Jack glanced behind them and saw Daniel and Teal’c come around the corner from the front of the cabin carrying a cooler and two more lawn chairs. Though they each carried their own fishing pole, it was clear by the way they set their chairs on the embankment, that they had no real intention of fishing.  They set the cooler down and Daniel opened it, taking three beers over to the dock. He opened them one-by-by before handing them to his friends and raising his own in a toast.

“To what’s to come.”

TBC

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

“ALICE

She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME

And she grew so tall,

She ate from a plate called TASTE ME

And down she shrank so small.

And so she changed, while other folks

Never tried nothin' at all.”

― Shel Silverstein, _Where the Sidewalk Ends: The Poems and Drawings of Shel Silverstein_

__________  


The next few days flew by in a blur. They fished, they hiked, they spent late nights around the fire, they’d taken the chance to spend time together and truly relax. Most days in real life, it was impossible to complete a task without some kind of interruption. With Jack in charge and Sam his second in command, they were always being called away to handle one crisis or another. This week, however, Reynolds had been left at the helm and Walter knew only to contact Jack if “aliens were invading,” or “the world was truly in danger of ending.” As it was, Jack had only had to answered three calls from Stargate Command but the world was still deemed relatively safe, for now.

As Sam stood surveying the bedroom, her thoughts strayed. It was their last day at the cabin and she’d just finished packing for the trip home. She'd been alone for an hour or so as Jack had gone with Daniel and Teal'c to turn in their rental car. The four of them had decided the night before that they were going to be driving back to Colorado Springs together in Jack’s truck. Though a part of her wished that she and Jack could have had the drive to be alone, Sam was glad she would have a couple more days with all of her friends.

This week had been amazing, but it also had been harder on her than she’d imagined. She really hadn’t thought about what leaving the SGC was going to entail or about the fact that she would be leaving her family behind. Now that she’d had to face the reality of it, her excitement over moving forward had been displaced by melancholy over leaving everything she knew behind.

She was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear him when Jack entered the room. His ability to be so incredibly stealthy had always amazed her and she started slightly when she felt his hand on her arm. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

“How long have you been watching me?”

“Oh, I don’t know...eight years give or take?” She turned into his hug and smiled at the glint in his eye.

“You okay?” he asked as she buried her face in his chest.

“Mmhmm. Just thinking.”

“Of course you are.” She didn’t need to see his face to hear the smirk in his reply.

She sighed, breaking the hug and sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I’m scared.”

He sat down next to her and grabbed her hand. “Why?”

“C’mon Jack you know why. _Everything_ is about to change. We are about to out ourselves to the powers that be and after all we’ve been through...I know you said that Hammond would go to bat for us, but we can’t be sure about anything these days.”

Like Jack had told Daniel and Teal’c, they’d been over all of the what ifs and maybes. There really wasn’t anything about their plans left to discuss. But somehow, as the time to leave this safe haven grew closer, Sam felt like all of this was just a dream. A dream that would destroy her heart with it’s deception.

“Carter, you know that none of this is going to be easy. People _are_ going to question our relationship. They are going to assume that we’ve been together for a lot longer than we claim, they’ll bring up their old accusations of favoritism, claim you slept your way to the top and that I used my position to get what I wanted and all kinds of other crap. But you and I know the truth. We’ve fought hard to get where we are, Sam. We can’t give up before we even start.”

He knelt on the floor in front of her taking both of her hands in his own before continuing. “I’m tired, Sam.  And I just don’t care anymore. Whatever happens, we’ve been on an amazing ride these last few years. I don’t regret anything. Do you?” He looked up into her crystal blue eyes.

“No.” She brushed her fingers through his silvering hair. “Except maybe how long it took us to see the light.”

They heard the sound of footfalls in the hallway before hearing Daniel’s voice through the door. “Hey guys, we’ve got dinner started.” He pushed the door open slowly. “I’m going to take some stuff out and start loading the truck. Do you have anything ready to go, Sam?”

She sighed and pointed to the bag at the end of the bed. “That one.”

He grabbed the bag and shut the door behind him as he backed out of the room giving his friends a gentle smile.

“So this is it.” Jack stood up groaning loudly about his knees and she giggled as he pulled her into another hug before turning and grabbing his bag from the floor. She stayed there at the edge of the bed watching him closely as he began packing. Like his command style, he was quick but methodical. Everything had its place and he knew, without needing to over analyze, exactly what went where so that everything fit.

She admired that quality about him. Though he might question the options, he instinctively knew the best course of action. She smiled as his simple action eased her fears. This relationship was not a problem that needed solved, but she knew Jack would handle what they were about to face with the same attitude and no-nonsense approach. As always, he would assess the situation and devise a plan of attack to keep the casualties to a minimum.

He'd protect his team, he’d protect her, and he would fight whatever or whomever might stand in the way of their happiness.

“This is it.” She repeated as he slung the bag over his shoulder and grabbed her hand.

It was time for them to let go.   


The End.

_________

 

Thus grew the tale of Wonderland:

Thus slowly, one by one,

Its quaint events were hammered out -

And now the tale is done,

And home we steer, a merry crew,

Beneath the setting sun.

\-- _Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is it! The End. I can’t believe it. This was the first fic I ever published. It was meant to be a one off but Muse had another idea. There were times I was so frustrated in this process that I never thought I would finish it. Thank you to all of you that have stayed with me on this journey, especially dpdp who faithfully commented on every chapter along the way and my beta, Amara, who gave me a second set of eyes and a little literary guidance when I needed it most.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. --Scully


End file.
